Children and Grief 1

UNDERSTANDING AND ASSISTING A CHILD IN GRIEF

Children grieve. Sometimes, a parent is so lost in his or her own grief that the grief of a child is unnoticed.

Children grieve for a long time. The loss of a loved one is not something a child can get over in a hurry.

Children should be told about the death immediately. Usually from a parent or someone they’re close to.

A child’s loss is different. A parent may have lost a partner, friend, etc. The child has lost a nurturer, protector, role model, teacher etc. Thus the response is different.

A child needs a parent as a role model. Even though the loss for parent and child is different, the parent can set a very helpful example by the way they respond to a death. Open expression of thoughts and feelings is usually helpful.

A child cannot carry a parent’s grief. Although the child needs to see the parent’s grief, they should not be expected to bear the parent’s burden or in any way act as a substitute for the one who has died.

Young children often have three basic questions. The parent must be sensitive to them and respond appropriately:

 

• Did I cause this death to happen?
• Will this happen to me?
• Who will take care of me now? (if a parent)

 

EXPLAINING THE DEATH

Be straightforward. When possible, find a quiet, or familiar place where you can talk. Then give an honest explanation, regardless of how the person died. For example: “You know Dad has been sick for a while with cancer. This morning he died from the cancer.”

Prepare the child for a death that is coming. When someone loved by them is dying from an illness, talk about it honestly.

Use correct medical terms. This helps your child understand the reality. A child’s fears and fantasies are usually far worse when he or she is not told what is happening. Knowing the correct diagnosis (such as cancer or heart disease) helps them to understand the difference between the sicknesses we all get and the types of diseases that cause death. This may reassure them that both of you are healthy right now and will go on together.

If sudden and unexpected, give the facts. When a sudden death occurs, if possible find a quiet place to tell your child what has happened. The shock will be great for both of you, but your child still needs to know the facts. Perhaps a close family member or friend can be with you to help explain the death.

Being evasive may cause problems later. If the child learns years later from someone else how the death actually occurred, he or she is likely to have feelings of hostility or mistrust towards you. Furthermore, not knowing the real situation may prevent your child from working through his or her feelings. The temptation to be evasive is greatest with suicide or homicide, but, even then, the truth needs to be told.

You and your child have already begun the hard work of grieving. The next difficult task is the funeral - the way we say goodbye.

THE FUNERAL SERVICE

Why should the child attend? Saying goodbye is one purpose of a funeral. Tell your child that other people will come to say goodbye. The funeral is a reality marker to acknowledge the death. It is a time for the child to confront the reality, to begin to accept the face of death. This is the sad part of the bereavement, and it’s okay to admit that sadness.

Finding comfort and strength through faith. Your faith may be reflected in the service and that may well mean a declaration of life after death. Many children are comforted in believing that the person they loved (or the soul) is in heaven.

Should young children attend? Whenever possible children should be at the funeral of a close loved one.  Giving them a choice and encouraging them to take part is helpful for them.  It is an important time for all the family to be together and helps children to feel included.  In later years, even if they don't remember, to be told that they were there, helps them to feel accepted in the family.  Being together means you can help support each other through this time.

Learning in advance. Learning in advance what will be seen and heard is good for the child. Ask a funeral director or minister.

A parting gift? Ask the child if they would like to leave something in the casket - a drawing, photo, memento, or letter. This allows the child to say goodbye in a special way and feel included.

Alternatives to burial. Some families will have the body buried, others will choose cremation. For cremation, you might say: “The body is turned into soft ashes by a hot fire. These very special ashes are then put into a container called an urn”.

Reality through play. Play is a necessary part of a child’s life. It is normal for a child to re-enact the funeral and to pretend to be sick or dying in a play situation. Don’t be alarmed if you see such play.

THE GRIEVING PROCESS IN CHILDREN

Stages of grief. Grief for both you and your child will flow through different stages. It is a process. The progression is rarely straightforward, but rather will jump back and forth between stages. This is known as the normal/adaptive grieving process. Stages may be divided like this:

Stage 1 - Early Responses. These are denial, shock and numbness.

Stage 2 - Acute Grief. The heart of grief includes sadness, depression, anger, guilt, anxiety, fears, regression and physical distress.

Stage 3 - Adjustment. This means the painful acceptance of reality. Reorganisation and re-establishment of life follow.

Children with Special Needs

Difficulties. Intellectually handicapped children who lose a parent or loved one have great difficulty making sense of what has happened. These children do not have the reasoning ability to understand the disruptions, nor do they fully understand their own thoughts and feelings. They will always, more or less, see the world through the eyes of a child. Grieving is both real and especially difficult.

The normal process applies. You may expect to see all the stages of grief in these children. Intellectually handicapped children and adults have the same kinds of needs that we have already discussed. They just require a little more reassurance, understanding and patience.

The intellectually handicapped have something to give. Although they need to grieve and to have someone supportive of their grief, they can learn to cope with it. At the same time, they may be able to teach you and others something because their perceptions are simple and their reactions uninhibited. They often help others to express their grief.

The Parentless Child

Someone must care. The death of an only parent or both parents will certainly complicate the grieving process for the child. It is essential, therefore, that someone be found to provide support, encouragement and a listening ear. Usually this will be a close relative who has been given the responsibility of caring for the child. In the absence of a relative, someone else will eventually have to help this child ‘work through’ the effects of this tremendous loss.

ADJUSTMENT

Reality, Reorganisation, and Re-establishment

Signs of healing. The grieving process is coming to a tentative end when there is: the painful acceptance of the reality of death; the reorganising of life around the new circumstances; and the re-establishment of normal relationships and activities. These milestones show much progress in coping with the loss. Your child is moving on with life in a healthy way.

Special occasions bring back grief. At birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries of the death, grief is revisited. This is a normal and predictable part of the process for every family member, and should be viewed as a healthy opportunity to express thoughts and feelings. You might be able to do something special to honour the memory of the one who has died.

Getting through the ‘firsts’. First birthday, first holidays, etc are always the hardest. Simply getting through all the firsts as best as you can will be a major milestone for you and your child.

A child will always have memories of Mum or Dad. From time to time your child will need to share those memories as well as other thoughts and feelings.

SUPPORT

Making the Base Firm and Broad

Taking care of yourself. You are the most important person in the child’s life. Your child needs you close by and in the best possible health. So take care of yourself by eating and exercising well. Working through grief is exhausting.

Encourage others to have contact with your child. Family, friends, your pastor, priest and others can also help your child.

Share your faith. If your faith is a source of support, share your beliefs with your child. If your faith is tentative, consider exposing your child to sources where they might find answers for themselves. This may be of great help now and in the future.

Contact a support group. Some groups are made up of children who have had a similar loss. Others might be good for you and your child to attend together. Check with your church, hospital or local mental health agency to find such a group near you. Alternatively contact your funeral director.