Being honest with your children

All families love their children and want to protect them.

Sometimes families think they must couch the truth from their children in order to prevent them from being hurt.

Children need to be told the truth when someone has died.

Children need clear and simple information.

A death in the family is a difficult time for everyone. We help children best when we are direct and honest, and when we involve them in what is happening.

In this way their grief is acknowledged and they have an opportunity to learn that death is a part of life for everyone.

WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO BE HONEST WITH YOUR CHILDREN

Trust - Your children will learn to trust you if you are honest with them. It will also help them to be honest with you.

Privilege - Your children will treasure the privilege of being part of life and death. It will help them feel loved.

Relieve Fears - Your children will know what is happening rather than worrying about what they think is happening.

Choices - Your children will be able to make a choice to be part of the process. Choices give children some control.

Understanding - You will be able to help your children understand that they are not the cause of the person’s death. That nothing they ever did, said or thought made it happen.

Intuition - Children know when something is going on. They are waiting for the adults they trust to tell them. Being honest helps them to trust their intuition.

Grieving - Model healthy ways of grieving. Children learn to grieve by observing others. Help them understand that grief is a mixture of emotions. There can be tears and laughter.

SOME HELPFUL POINTS

Involve children in planning the funeral. Closed doors harbour secrets and cause confusion and anxiety. Children too need to say goodbye, and to be included in the family’s grief.

When viewing the deceased, it is good to include the children. Seeing the deceased begins the process of believing it is true. It also normalises something scary for them. It is very important children are prepared for what they will see, so that nothing frightens them.

Prepare the children for the body feeling cold, rather than soft and warm, as they will be used to - and that it is okay to touch their loved one, but they don’t have to.

Children may want to take something with them to leave behind in the coffin. - A flower, a letter, drawing, or something that is special to them.

Before the funeral, explain what will happen there. - That there may be a mixture of emotions. The more children can anticipate what is going to happen, the more comfortable they will be.